Dialectical Behavior Therapy: The Three States of Mind
- murphyhalllcsw
- Apr 17
- 3 min read
This week I wanted to share a foundational Dialectical Behavior Therapy concept that can be really helpful for navigating emotions, decisions, and relationships: the three states of mind.
We all naturally move between these three states throughout the day:
Emotion Mind is when our feelings take control. This can be really important - our emotions give us valuable information and can help us understand what matters to us. At the same time, when we are fully in Emotion Mind, it can be harder to pause or think things through, and reactions may feel more urgent or intense.
Examples:
Sending a text you later regret because you felt hurt, rejected or angry
Avoiding something important (like a conversation or task) because anxiety feels overwhelming
Making a decision based purely on what feels good, relieving, or urgent in the moment
Reasonable Mind is when we are focused on logic, facts, and planning. This state helps us problem-solve, stay organized, and think ahead. However, if we rely only on Reasonable Mind, we might unintentionally dismiss or disconnect from our emotional experience or values.
Examples:
Telling yourself "it doesn't make sense to feel this way" and pushing feelings aside
Making a detailed pros/cons list but still feeling stuck or unsure
Prioritizing productivity or responsibility while ignoring signs of stress, burnout, or emotional needs
Wise Mind is the integration of both Emotion Mind and Reasonable Mind. It is the place where you can honor your feelings AND respond in a way that is grounded, thoughtful, and aligned with your values. Wise Mind often feels calmer, clearer, and more steady - even if the situation itself is difficult.
Examples:
Feeling angry with someone, but choosing to pause and communicate your feelings clearly instead of reacting immediately
Noticing anxiety about a situation and still taking a small, manageable step forward
Setting a boundary with someone while still caring about the relationship
Making a decision that considers both what matters to you emotionally and what makes sense practically
One way to practice this skill is to pause and gently check in with yourself:
"What am I feeling right now?" (Emotion Mind)
"What are the facts or what do I know to be true?" (Reasonable Mind)
"What would a balanced, effective response look like?" (Wise Mind)
You might also notice physical cues that signal which state you are in. For example, Emotion Mind can feel like a surge of energy in the body (tight chest, racing thoughts), while Reasonable Mind might feel more detached or "in your head". Wise Mind often feels more grounded - like a steady breath, a sense of clarity, or a slight slowing down.
A few small ways to access Wise Mind in the moment:
Take a few slow, intentional breaths (even 3-5 can help)
Pause before responding - especially in conversations or decisions
Gently name what you're feeling without judging it
Remind yourself: "Both my feelings and the facts matter."
Imagine what your "best self" or a trusted, grounded version of you might do
It is important to remember that there is nothing "wrong" with being in Emotion Mind or Reasonable Mind - both serve important purposes. The goal is not to get rid of them, but to build awareness and increase your ability to access Wise Mind, especially in moments that feel intense or challenging. This is a skill that takes practice over time, and even noticing which state you are in is a meaningful first step.
If you are a client of mine, we can explore how this shows up for you personally and practice ways to access Wise Mind in session.
If you want to practice identifying the different states of mind, follow the links below and see if you can identify which state of mind is being depicted!
